By Josh Bauer

Things are stupid

You should never buy them

Things will always be a waste of money

Think about it

Things don’t have emotions

They do not care when you are in distress

Nor do they comfort you in times of depression

The only care possessed by a thing is of itself

Selfish. Always selfish

Whenever their energy begins to wear down, they beep at you constantly

For some, when they hit 6 A.M. they beep constantly

They are not considerate of the fact that you fell asleep at ONE last night

They have no sympathy


They give you trouble. They cut you. They bruise you. All for what?

Entertainment? Partly, although I’m sure they are entertained more than you are

Help? Sometimes, but there is always a catch

So what is the purpose of these “things”

Why—do they exist?

Well, money

You give your hard earned money to people who bury you with things

When you could be spending your money on something that will help you in the


Health insurance perhaps?

Think about it

You’re in the hospital

What are your things now?

A pain in the neck for whoever has to maintain them

That’s what they are

Whoever invented things anyway?

Obviously someone who wanted money

I’d say it worked too, which to me, is interesting.

I mean, shouldn’t people know that things mean nothing?

Can things give you an education?


Can things get you a job?

I don’t think so

Can things build you a career?

Not by a long shot

So what are these time-demanding creatures that have infested our planet?

Perhaps they’re a metaphor

A metaphor of all the things we could be doing instead

Oh...Wait...Notice I said “things” we could be doing

So now it looks like “things” have the same meaning as “actions”

See what I mean?

These greedy little creatures have even infiltrated our language

For things, being bought, looked at, and sold just isn’t enough

Now, they have to be spoken too

As effective as this speech may be,

Just like a thing, it is nothing, unless it has application

So I hope you now realize the mistake you’d be making

If, while in a store, you dare, purchase, a thing